


Try not to be a burden

by Roosterbytes



Category: Septiplier - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, NSFW, Self-Harm, Self-Harm thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Note mention, Suicide Plan mention, slow-build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-04-15 04:28:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4592859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roosterbytes/pseuds/Roosterbytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was unfair and selfish of Jack to turn to someone for help.<br/>They had enough on their plates, they didn't need his dumb problems on top of that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Urges

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a thing? I'm actually quite surprised to be honest. Holy shit.  
> Uh, so. I kind of want to build off of this. Hopefully turn it into Septipler somehow.  
> It'll probably be a slow build? I'm sort of making this up as I go. I'm so sorry.
> 
> I've been having a rough week, so I decided to take some of my feelings and write them out.
> 
> Comments and criticism are greatly appreciated. I'm a bit rusty, so I hope this is okay and that it makes some sort of sense and doesn't jump around too much. Sorry if it does.
> 
> Hope you guys like it.

It was the third time this week it had happened and it was only Tuesday. He stopped mid-cut, body frozen as the thoughts occurred once more. What would it feel like to drag the knife across his skin, to cut open a vein? It was so bright, it would only make sense that it could rid the darkness in his body, all he had to do was lift the knife. Instead, he dropped it on the counter and ran. His room was just up the stairs, if he could get there, maybe he'd be safe. Maybe he'd escape the thoughts that always lingered in the kitchen. Yesterday it was while making dinner, today he was cutting fruit for breakfast.

His breathing came quick as he sat on his bed, knees drawn. Trembling fingers ran through his brunette hair as he tried to remember how to fill his lungs with air. He needed help, he needed someone to be there. He couldn't be alone right now. Uncurling himself, he took deep breaths and walked over to his computer. Mark would be awake, he had to be awake, Jack needed him. 

Skype opened and he didn't hesitate to click on Mark's name. The call button resided next to Mark's silly face and he could no longer bring himself to hit it. Who was he to think his problems were so important to bother Mark with? They'd only burden his friend. Mark had enough on his plate, he didn't need Jack's dumb problems on top of that. Running a hand through his hair again, he sighed and closed the Skype window. 

He leaned back in his chair as trembling hands ran down his face before resting in his lap. He knew he needed to take care of the food on his counter, but he was afraid. He was afraid that he'd listen to those thoughts. The urge had been so strong this time, he'd almost done it and that terrified him. He lifted his hands and stared at them. Closing his eyes, he took deep breaths to gather himself. He could do this. Rising from his chair, his eyes opened and he began the trek back to the kitchen. Fear stirred in his stomach but he fought it down. He made his way over to the food and threw the knife in the sink. What he managed to cut went into the bowl and the rest into the trash. Hoping he'd get hungry later he placed the bowl in his fridge and went off to go begin his day.


	2. Giving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack had tried to fight it but somehow, the voice was louder than his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words and sorry for the delay on the update. Been having a rough time.  
> The voice is in **_bold italics_** while his own is in _normal italics._
> 
> Also, please remember that this is based of my OWN experiences with Depression, Anxiety and Self-harm. This is not something everyone with any of those goes through.
> 
> I wanted to let you know in ADVANCE, that this gets a bit descriptive. Not too much but it might be enough for some people. Please let me know and I will do my best to change it.
> 
>  
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING : SELF-HARM.**

Everything had started with an accident.

It had occurred several days after Tuesday, Jack had taken a corner too close on his way to the shop and the brick had peeled back his skin. He remembers hissing a curse under his breath and making a reminder to take care of it later. Which he did, after spending five minutes picking at every little piece of skin surrounding the area. It had kept him distracted from his heavy body and the exhausted feeling in his bones. In a way, he had welcomed that and he regrets it now.

Things had escalated from then. From scrapes to knocking into things to nicking his fingers as he cooked before settling onto this. Sitting up in his bed as fingernails raked down his pale arms until they became an angry red. His mind screaming at him that it wasn't enough. That he needed to dig deeper so the darkness could leave. And Jack so desperately wanted it to leave but he didn't want to turn to self-harm. He already felt like he'd given in somehow, if only a little, but he didn't want to turn the blade to his skin. He didn't want to reach that point where he felt he couldn't turn back.

_**It'll get rid of the darkness, Jack.** _

_No it won't._

_**Do it Jack.** _

_...No._

_**You'll feel so much better.** _

_...Will I?_

Jack didn't trust himself. The voice kept repeating inside his head and it was only getting louder. His eyes flickered over to his phone. He picked up and dialed Mark's number. He waited with bated breath, as ringing echoed in his ear. A sigh escaped his lips as Mark's voicemail picked up instead. Hanging up, the voices returned.

_**Mark doesn't want to answer because he doesn't care about you.** _

_No. He cares. He's just sleepin'. It's early in the mornin' fer 'im._

_**You're a burden to him.** _

_No I'm not.._

_**You're a burden to everyone.** _

_Am I?_

No matter how much he fought back, the voice over powered his own. It was louder, somehow echoing inside his head. He needed to get it out. He had to. The sheets came off his body quickly, being flung somewhere to the side as he made his way down into the kitchen. He was fighting a losing battle down every stair. Despite his arguements, the voice always flung back his doubts, his worries and insecurities. The closer he got, the quieter his own voice became.

He owned a knife block and at the moment, he regretted that decision as well. At least in a drawer he could have bought himself more time but instead his fingers gripped the knife handle. It slid out with ease, shining against the morning light. Placing his arm out, wrist up, he laid the blade against his flesh and pulled. One became two, and two became four. He went until his body felt light and tired. It had taken a few moments for him to come back to himself. He opened his eyes, unsure of when he closed them and looked down at what he'd done.

Panic raised in his chest almost immediately. There weren't many, nor were they deep, but small bits of blood beaded his pink arm. Tossing the knife into the sink, he turned the water on before snatching a hand towel. The damp towel met his arm as the water splashed onto the knife. Whatever bliss he had been in, was not worth this. It was not worth this feeling that came after it faded. The darkness had lessened for now and the voice had gone quiet but as Jack went to go take care of his wounds, he was afraid that this wouldn't be the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and criticism are very helpful. If any of this seems out of place, is too descriptive, or just too much for some of you, let me know. I WILL CHANGE IT. I don't want anyone to be upset/triggered by my story.


	3. Downward Spiral into Self-Destruction.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was falling so fast but no one seemed to notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind words! It really means a lot to me.   
> I'm sorry that this chapter took a while. I'm still a bit iffy on it, considering I was trying to write comfort in this one and the last one, but the story got away from me. Oops. Sorry guys. Next chapter will hopefully be comfort. Anyways, I hope you like it. Have a lovely day! (:

The voice had been quiet for a few days after the first cuts had been made. Jack enjoyed the silence and savored it, staying up even later just to feel at peace. But the days had ticked on and as each one passed, he felt himself falling further into a downward spiral. It felt like drowning, suffocating on the darkness that was overtaking his mind and body. The voice had slowly resurfaced as the time had passed and caused a constant battle to wage in his mind.

The mirrors in his house were broken. He couldn't stand looking at himself anymore, couldn't stand seeing that the light in his eyes had burned out. He couldn't spend one more day looking at the person he'd become. A shell of his former self who he'd come to hate. So he had slammed his fist into every mirror and left the pieces on the floor. All but one. He'd taken the sharpest one he could find and stowed it away in his room. 

But despite everything, his videos remained the same. When the recording started, he returned to his former self and when it ended he became this shell again. There were some differences in the videos but no one seemed to notice. No one commented about the light in his eyes missing, or the fact he was wearing long sleeves despite saying his room was 'hot as balls'. 

The lines on Jack's arm had multiplied. They were slightly deeper and a bit wider due to the mirror piece he'd used which didn't last long. Every line he made, he caught a glimpse of his reflection and by the time he was too tired to cut anymore, he threw the piece against the wall and watched it shatter. That night, he'd fallen asleep right after. When he awoke the next morning, he saw the blood stains on his sheets and felt regret. He needed help.

It was during a Co-op with Mark, Bob and Wade, where he'd actually managed to ask for help. He'd been 'joking' at the time, since his character was being shot at by bad guys, the words tumbling out of his mouth in a desperate plea. Once the words escaped, he wanted to take them back. Their replies had been different variations of the same thing. He had killed their characters earlier on, so they weren't going to help him. It took him several tries to convince himself they didn't know he was being serious and that he really needed help. He spent that night carving more lines into his arm as tears slid down his cheeks.

That video had come out recently. He must've been a really good actor because no one mentioned the tears that had welled in his eyes at their replies to his plea. No one had noticed. So continued to pretend he was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and criticism are very helpful! Please let me know if any of this is out of place, doesn't make sense, or has any sort of typo. I will do my best to fix it/explain it. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day! (:


	4. A safe place in dark times.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack turns to Mark out of desperation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this all today in 3ish hours to the song "Tell me where it hurts" by M.Y.M.P  
> Although I had some of this planned/written out a while ago. I ended up rewriting it, though certain things still remain. I feel bad for posting this so late but also so soon after such a tragic event considering the context of this chapter. (It does end with fluff/comfort though.)
> 
> I want you all to know that you are important. That you are loved. And I urge you to reach out and get help. Do not suffer in silence. Your problems and well-being are important enough. You are important enough and you all mean so much to me.
> 
> Thank you all for reading this and sticking with me. For your kinds words that have helped me through so much and motivated me to continue writing. This is my first time writing fluff/comfort like this. I hope you enjoy it. - E

Jack had become used to the mornings he woke up too early, body trembling and chest heaving. The nightmares had gotten worse. His friends and family would chase him, trying to cause him harm and sometimes even kill him. Their words were now shouted angrily, venom dripping from every sentence.

He couldn't listen to Rainymood when he edited anymore. It didn't drown out the voices of his nightmares. They were too loud for the peaceful sound of rain to overpower. Even listening to the Game Grumps didn't work anymore. So he'd begun to listen to Mark's videos as he edited. Mark's voice was soothing and loud enough to overpower the nightmares that rattled around in his head. 

He often found himself returning to the same videos which now took up a lot of his YouTube history. The ones where Mark addressed his community, reminding them how important they were. His positive words caused warmth to bubble in Jack's chest and small smiles to tug at his lips. The positivity planted itself in Jack's mind and began to grow, ever so slowly with each word.

Of course his mind couldn't stand him being happy, even just a little. His nightmares had twisted and soon Mark was the loudest of them all. Nightmare Mark informed him that the praise wasn't meant for him, it was meant for everyone except him. That Jack didn't deserve any of it. He wasn't worth it. Jack knew these thoughts were irrational, he knew Mark was his friend and cared deeply about him. But despite his arguing, he eventually gave in to believing them anyway. 

It had been a rough morning. He'd woken up after very little sleep and was greeted with failed renderings, which he was currently waiting on. Scrolling through comments, he sees a lot of positive ones but his mind latches onto the negative ones instead. 

"Kill yourself."

"Seriously, why would anyone like him? He's a loud Irishman with an annoying voice."

"I hope you die."

"Get cancer you fucking f*g."

Nightmare Mark's voice joins them.

"You're nothing special. Anyone can replace you. I'm just pretending to be your friend. I don't even like you. You're annoying and a waste of fucking space. You don't deserve to be alive."

He knows he shouldn't focus on them. There's a ton of positive ones that are staring back at him full of love and support. He begins to feel sick to his stomach as his mind entertains the thoughts of suicide. His body begins to tremble so much, he drops his phone onto his desk with a loud clatter. A small smile spreads across his lips at the thought of his own death and he's afraid he'll go through with it.

The renderings are completed and he shuts down everything before opening Skype. He immediately clicks Mark's name and slams his finger onto the mouse as he hits the call button. He lifts his shaking hands and runs them through his hair, pulling at the short strands in attempts to ground himself. The ringing echoes through his headphones and Mark answers on the second ring. There's no pause before words tumble out of Jack's mouth.

"I'm scared Mark, I'm fockin' scared." His voice is wavering and he's worrying his lip between his teeth.

"Jack...?" Mark's voice is groggy in his ears, as if he's just woken up. Jack's eyes quickly zoom to the clock on his computer and he curses lightly under his breath. It's 1am for Mark, of course he'd just woken him up. He's tempted to hang up but fear keeps him in place. Shuffling brings him back to his screen, staring at Mark's profile image. 

"What's wrong?" Mark sounds a bit more alert now, probably just registering Jack's words. Or maybe his breathing. When had he started breathing so fast?

"Jack, please, talk to me." Mark begs. Jack feels guilt crawling around in his gut.

"I-I.." He gulps, trying to regain his voice. "I'm fockin' scared Mark. There's this voice in the back of my head, telling me all these things an'.." He tugs harshly at his hair, clenching his teeth as he lets out a sigh.

"It's turned you all against me, everything you've all said, it's turned it against me. It's bringing me down. It's fockin' hurtin' me an' I can't argue against it. I can't win against it. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, it's there. An' all yer voices are there too. Yer all putting me down and telling me how worthless I am an' I just.. I can't fight against 'em. I can't argue. I can't win. An' then I start believing 'em." The words tumble from his lips as tears cascade down his cheeks. He's so scared and he needs Mark to talk to him. To help him fight away the demons in his head as he had done before.

"Jack.. it's okay. You're okay." Mark's soothing voice cuts through the chaos in Jack's head. It's so quiet now. Jack opens his eyes, unsure of when he'd closed them and unclenches his fists from his hair. His hands lower, hovering in the air in front of him. He stares at Mark's image again. He's turned on his video, while Jack's video remains off. 

"Breathe Jack, breathe. Take some deep breaths, okay. In through your nose and out your mouth." Mark instructs, taking deeps breaths. Jack does as instructed, exhaling shakily. Mark does this with him several times until Jack's breathing evens out.

"Jack, you're our friend. You're important to us and we care about you so much. You mean a lot to us. Don't listen to that voice, okay? Because it's wrong." Mark's voice is comforting despite his serious tone. Jack nods slowly and rests his hands in his lap, continuing to take deep breaths. He swallows loudly.

"O..okay." He clears his throat and tries again. "Okay."

"I need to make sure you're okay. Can you turn your video on?" Mark asks.

"Y-yeah.." Jack's hesistant but does as requested, watching Mark's reaction. Mark's eyes widen and Jack looks down for a brief second before looking at himself. He looks like a wreck. It'd been so long since he'd seen his reflection. Dark bags are nestled under his puffy red eyes. He sighs.

"Jack, what does it say? What do we say?" Mark's eyes have softened and concern is etched deeply into them. Jack feels guilt clawing at his gut for having caused it.

"You all tell me how much you hate me.. that yer just pretending to be my friend. Ya tell me how worthless I am, how I shouldn't be alive. That I don't deserve ta be. It.. it fockin' hurts Mark." Jack's voice turns into a whisper by the end. He's staring down at his lap, arms facing up. His eyes trace the lines residing on his arms. He closes his eyes for a second before looking back at Mark. He can tell Mark is thinking by the way he's chewing on the inside of his cheek.

"We're your friends Jack, we love you dearly. You mean so much to us, to me, and you definitely deserve to be alive. You're worth so much and you cheer up so many people. You've done so much good in this world. You're a wonderful person, Jack. I'm sorry that it's gotten this bad. Please know that we're here for you. We do care deeply about you. Please, PLEASE, don't hesistate to talk to us. We are here for you. I am here for you." Mark's voice is urgent, trying to drill his message into Jack's mind. His eyes are soft, filled with unshed tears, as Jack just stares at him for several minutes processing what he's said. 

"Thank ya Mark." Jack's voice is soft, relieved. His head is comfortably quiet and he feels so peaceful. His chest is light and there's a warmth that's spread itself across his body. He feels so loved and reassured of his existence. Mark's voice had fought all his doubts away and soothed his wounds. Mark had grounded him and kept him safe.

"Thank ya." Jack whispers, smiling as he stares at Mark. Mark smiles back.

"Anytime Jack. Anytime. Don't hesistate to call me, okay? I'm here for you." Mark's smile is warm and welcoming. Something flutters inside Jack's belly at the sight and his smile grows.

"I'll talk ta ya later Markimoo. Thank ya again." Jack's smile is wide as he chuckles lightly.

"See ya Jackaroonie." Mark chuckles. Jack catches a glimpse of himself before the call ends. He looks so much better, so full of life. The fire in his eyes has returned. Jack's smile remains as Mark's face disappears. He stares up at his ceiling, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Thank ya Mark." He whispers into the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Leave me some comments/criticisms if you'd like. I'd love to know your thoughts and feelings about this. I hope you all have a wonderful day!


	5. Totally fucked.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It didn't matter what he noticed, his imagination took it and ran away with it before he could even try to stop it.  
> Jack was totally, utterly, fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this has taken me way too fucking long. Seriously, 15 days is way too long for me to make you guys wait for another chapter. I'm so sorry. I had a really difficult time writing this one. I wanted to progress it and I rewrote it so many times. I kept getting stuck and life kept pushing me down. 
> 
> Anyway, sorry again. I know it's not long but I hope you like it. It's fluffy.

That one call with Mark had turned into many more. Sometimes they chatted about random shit, laughing hard and smiling wide--other times Mark was there to pick up Jack's broken pieces and put him together again. And Jack was grateful to have someone- a friend like Mark. He always answered Jack's calls, whether it was day or night. He had even interrupted some of Mark's recordings along with his sleep, which Jack felt awful for but Mark always reassured him that it was fine. With every call, the fire in Jack's eyes grew and he slowly returned to his normal self. He was lively once more, full of so much energy that he was practically bouncing off the walls. He felt alive again, whole again and he had Mark to thank for it. He knew there weren't enough words to explain how thankful he was, nevertheless, he always said thank you to Mark at the end of their calls. And after Mark's face disappeared, he stared up at the ceiling, eyes closed, smile on his face as he whispered a thank you once more.

Jack tried not to call him too often though. They were both busy with YouTube and every day life but talking to Mark was like coming home. Mark always knew how to make him laugh or cheer him up when he was down. He made Jack feel safe and loved, whether it was soothing his pain, making dick jokes or talking about some bullshit game glitch, Jack always left the call with a wide smile on his face. 

Jack had come to notice things about Mark with every call. Like the way his eyes lit up when he was excited or happy, or the way they softened when he comforted Jack. His soft smiles as he talked about something he loved and his strong clenched jaw when he talked about some bullshit game he ' _totally should have won_ '. How Mark gestured with his hands as he spoke, sometimes running them through his hair when he was thinking or nervous. However, the thing that got him the most was the glint in Mark's eyes as they ' _jokingly_ ' flirted. It made a fire flow through his veins that Mark's words and teasing smirk accelerated.  


Unfortunately, Jack wasn't naive. He knew what talking to Mark did to him. The fluttering in his belly, the warmth that spread across his body, the dopey smile he'd wear and now this fire Mark had set inside his veins. Jack knew he was totally, utterly, fucked. Not to mention that Jack often found himself calling Mark, early in the mornings, pretending he forgot the timezone, just to hear Mark's deep rumbling voice that sent shivers down his spine.

The thing that sucked most about calling Mark, was Jack's mind. After noticing all these new things about Mark along with his feelings, talking to him got a lot harder. Jack often found himself studying something about Mark as they spoke, which lead to his mind wandering. It didn't matter what he noticed, his imagination took it and ran away with it before he could even try to stop it. His mind kept supplying him with how soft Mark's lips looked. Or how strong his jaw was. Or how much larger his hands were than Jack's own. 

His mind entertained the thoughts of being with Mark. Living in the same house, playing video games in the same room, stupid food fights and way too late movie nights. But it then morphed into _being_ with Mark. Hugging Mark, while his face was pressed against Mark's neck. Leaning on his arm as they watched movies or sitting in Mark's lap, with his arms around Jack as they watched a horror movie. Mark pressing light kisses on his nose, cheeks, hands and forehead. And Mark pressing love filled kisses against his lips. Mark singing to him or petting his hair to help Jack sleep. Waking up and seeing Mark's face, sleepy kisses and hearing Mark's deep rumbly voice that had become Jack's favorite sound. Yeah, Jack was totally fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you guys enjoyed this. If you want, you can leave comments or criticisms. It's nice to hear what you guys like and if you have any ideas on how I can improve. Thank you so much. Have a lovely day.


	6. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was the last thing he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Lovelies, I was having a really rough morning which somehow got my creative juices flowing. I just needed to write, so here's the outcome of that. I'm pretty happy with it, although I'm a bit annoyed with how some things are worded, but I couldn't find another way to word them. ; Anyway, enough rambling. Thank you guys so much for supporting me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Upon the new discovery and acceptance of his feelings, his mind now had new ammo against him. Every little thing that he'd come to love about Mark, was now one more reason Jack wasn't good enough for him. Whether it was as his friend, or something more, his mind convinced him that he wasn't good enough or worthy enough to have Mark in his life. And Jack had been doing so well at being cut-free. YouTube had kept him distracted and talking to Mark had kept him safe but neither of things could help him when he was falling asleep. And they certainly couldn't protect him from his nightmares.

It was still very rare that Jack turned to a blade. He always made sure to call Mark first. Although Mark knew nothing about his cutting, or his scars, their conversations killed the urge. There were times however, where conversations with Mark, didn't talk him out of it. He'd end their call, happy and smiling, before whispering a thank you into the air. His smile would soon drop and the urge would re-emerge under his skin. He'd scratch at it with his nails but soon it'd overwhelm him and he'd end up running into the kitchen for a knife. What made it worse is that he actually had a specific knife he used. It sat in the corner of his counter, laying on it's side.  
His mind had found a new way to torment him. Whenever he was thinking about Mark, imaging a life with him, his mind supplied him with why he wasn't worthy.

_He's a wonderful person unlike you, you're filth._

_Just trash that people need to ignore._

_You'll only taint him with your existence._

_You're not worthy of happiness, you don't deserve it._

_And you're definitely not worthy of him._

_You're broken, tainted and scarred, while he's whole and pure._

_You'll just drag him down with you._

_You'll fuck him up and break him down._

Jack's body would ache at the words, being filled with the urge to slice himself open, to cover every piece of skin with red lines. His body would get tired before he could do so, but he'd always end of covering small areas until the lines overpowered the skin. This time, his entire left shoulder was covered with thin lines, blood dripping down his arm. He took extra time to disinfect it, before covering it with gauze and going to bed.

The cuts were still healing, but he added a few more lines and picked off the scabs the old ones before calling Mark. He's not sure when he started cutting before calling Mark. It could've been after a bad nightmare, or when his mind convinced him he needed to punish himself for being in Mark's life. He figured it was probably the latter. Mark answered the call and Jack smiled. Mark smiled in return and the fluttering in Jack's belly began. 

The conversation was normal. They talked about games they were playing in their spare time and some of the bugs they had found. Mark had apparently gotten his character merged into a wall and the game auto-saved him in there. Needless to say, he had to start over. Jack couldn't understand how the fuck he'd done that and Mark tried to defend himself before they both burst out laughing. They switched to talking about a new game that was coming out and what they thought it'd be like. 

That's when everything changed.

Jack was explaining how he thought it'd be a sci-fi horror game, considering how the monster looked like a bunch of things stitched together. He started scratching at his shoulder, shirt moving slightly to the side as he spoke. When he next looked at Mark, the man's face was pale and fear was etched into his eyes.

"Mark, it probably won't be that scary. C'mon man, I thought ye were supposed to be manly." Jack chuckled. Mark's eyes were now trained on Jack's own as his mouth opened and closed, floundering to form words. Jack was beginning to worry. He looked down at himself in their video call and that's when he noticed it. Angry red lines poking out from under his t-shirt. Jack's own eyes widened, fear and panic taking over. ' _No, no, no, no, nonononono._ ' His mind was screaming.

"Ja-" Mark began, worry and concern along with fear in his voice. Jack didn't give him time to finish. He removed his hand from his shoulder, not caring if Mark could see more of the cuts as he slammed his finger on his mouse button, ending the call. He immediately went offline, took off his headphones and backed his chair away from his desk. Fingers immediately tangled themselves into his hair as he held his temples. His eyes were wide as he stared down at the floor, unseeing. Bile rose into his throat and soon he was dashing into the bathroom, throwing up everything he'd eaten that day followed by some dry-heaves.

After he cleaned himself, he splashed his face with water, ignoring his phone that had been going off. He knew it was Mark. Instead of answering, he turned it off, catching a quick glimpse of worried texts and missed calls. Throwing on a hoodie and putting the hood up, he sat on his bed, knees drawn to his chest while his fingers returned to his hair.

This was the last thing he wanted. If someone knew, that made it real. It pulled it into the light and he could no longer deny that it was happening. Sure, he saw the scars, but his mind dismissed them. But now, they were so real. He felt each and every one of them pulsate on his skin. Jack found himself standing on wobbly legs, arms pulling off his shirts before unbuckling his pants. He headed to the full length mirror, that was inside one of the closets he never used, before staring at himself. There were angry red lines on his arms, especially his left one. Big lines sat on across his belly, almost fully faded while several scars sat on his thighs. Finally he looked into his reflection's eyes, shock evident.

"What have I done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for supporting me and reading my story. I means a whole lot to me. Feel free to leave comments/criticisms, I'd love to here what you guys have to say. Have a lovely day!


	7. Doubts and Desperation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark was waiting, he was definitely waiting for Jack to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I updated like.. 8 days ago, but it feels like it's been months.  
>  **This chapter is pretty heavy, by the way.** Just thought I'd letcha know in advance. I mean, it ends happy? Sort of? I don't know.
> 
> Anyway, sit back and take a ride with me on the emotional roller-coaster.  
> (Please ignore me, I got very little sleep and I feel like a zombie.)

Jack wasn't sure how long he'd sat there, tracing his fingers across the scars on his body, stuck in his own head. When he had just the slightest grip of reality, he noticed that the sun was rising. Taking one last glimpse of himself in the mirror, before finally turning away in a mixture of sorrow and disgust, he stood and went to put clothes on his cold body.

He was thankful he had videos stored. He couldn't even sit in his chair, much less try to record. After setting up ques, he sat on his bed, phone at his side. He didn't want to turn it on, afraid of the words that would greet him. He was afraid of what Mark would say. Mark surely had to be disgusted with him. Hell, even he was disgusted with himself. If Mark was his friend, he definitely wasn't now. His mind conjured up thoughts of what Mark would write about him. And whether he'd out Jack to their communities. Various scenarios popped in his head. Mark explaining he was disappointed with Jack and no longer wanting to be friends. That he wanted Jack out of his life for good. Or Mark talking about how much he was disgusted with Jack, calling him weak and an attention whore. He could only imagine the comments that would follow. Disappointment, hate and names would be thrown his way as they all reminded him of how he let them down. He was a positive influence in their lives and he'd fucked it up.

Tears dripped onto his legs as hands tangled in his hair. Sobs escaping his heavy chest through teeth-bitten bloody lips as he rocked his body back and forth. He couldn't face it, he was too overwhelmed. There was nothing he could do but watch everything he loved and enjoyed fall apart. He'd be alone, his community would leave him, his friends, his family, his love.. everything he cherished would be destroyed. And he only had himself to blame.

He should've asked for help before it got this bad. He knew he should've. He'd thought about asking several times, planning to lay everything on the table, but it was hard. He was afraid. Afraid to lay himself out there, exposed and vulnerable. He was afraid for the same reasons as what he knew would await him when he turned on his phone.

Jack sat there, listening to the rain and his sobs until noon. He'd cried himself out, feeling numb. He just wanted to get this over with, so he could begin his end. With shaky hands, he powered his phone on, dropping it several times and ignoring the messages and missed calls that laid across his home screen. Opening Facebook, he gulped loudly, clicking Mark's page and waited for it to load with a sigh. 

There was nothing written there. Nothing new had been added, nothing about Jack, just what he'd posted a few nights ago. He felt relief but also.. disappointment? Maybe Mark was too disgusted with him to even mention his name, or maybe he was waiting for Jack to out himself and crack under the pressure so he could join in with Jack's community as they put him down. Confusion rattled his brain at his feelings while anxiety built up under his skin as he checked on Mark's other accounts. Twitter and Tumblr were similar to Facebook, nothing new was added. Mark was waiting, he was definitely waiting for Jack to fall.

Shutting off his phone once more, he tried to sort out the mess that was his head. The tiny voice in the back of his mind, trying to tell him how much Mark cared and would never hurt him, was drowned out by the loud static that was his depression. Arms laid limply on his legs as he was pulled back into his head.

 

Jack wasn't even sure what day it was at this point. He's sure no time had passed but at the same time, it felt like years had zoomed by while his mind consumed him. According to his watch, it was early in the morning of the next day. Jack stood, body stiff and cramped as he qued more videos for the day before walking around his house, aimlessly. He took note of the things he could use, planning his end in his mind and shuffling through the choices. When he reached the kitchen, he stopped, staring at _his knife_. It only made sense to go out the way he had started. Jack grabbed papers and a pen, ready to write to his loved ones, when there was a knock at the door. He sighed, placing the items down before sluggishly walking over.

He's not sure if it was the fact he hadn't slept in about 3 days, or his mind giving up with rational reasoning, but apparently someone knocking at your door at 4am meant you needed to open it. Unlocking the latch, he opened the door, staring at a man with frazzled hair and tired eyes. It took Jack several seconds to realize who it was, before panic and adrenaline coursed through his veins.

"Jac-" Mark began before Jack slammed the door closed, breathing hard and fast as he placed his back against the door. He slid to the floor, hands in his hair staring at the floor between his legs. 

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.." He repeated in what probably wasn't a whisper, trying to take everything in. If he wasn't awake before, he definitely was now.

"Jack, open the door. _Please._ " Mark's voice was desperate, begging Jack to listen as he rapped his knuckles against the door in urgency. Jack didn't respond, he just kept muttering the same words, now under his breath. He heard Mark rattle the doorknob, before it slightly pushed open, causing Jack's breath to hitch.

"Jack, _please_ , let me in."Mark sounded on the verge of tears now. Jack stood on shaky legs, turning around with a loud gulp before opening the door the rest of the way. His eyes were on Mark's shoes before, he heard a thunk. Mark had dropped his bag on the floor. He looked up, catching Mark's eyes for a quick second before he was pulled into a strong hug, by a sobbing form.

"You're alive, oh fuck, you're alive. Jack, jesus, Jack, you're alive." Mark sobbed onto his shoulder while Jack stood still, trying to process what was happening. Tears fell down his cheeks as he clutched onto Mark's back, bunching his shirt in his fingers before burying his face into Mark's shoulders. The two sunk to the floor, clinging to one another as they sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know what to say about this chapter. It's a thing that happened. Yay progress? ; Leave comments/criticisms if you'd like, I'm always interested to hear what you lovelies had to say. I hope you all have a lovely day. /hug. /kisses forehead.


	8. Words tumbling through quivering lips.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The words tumbled from Jack's lips after a defeated sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally did it! Are ya proud of me ma! It only took me basically scrapping everything I had written (which was quite a lot) and lots of music to finally piece together how I wanted this to go. It's a bit rough and there's probably typos? I don't know. But it's done.
> 
> I want to thank you all for sticking with me. For reading my work and leaving such kind words. It does really mean a lot. I haven't been replying because I don't want to sound like a broken record to you guys and I was afraid that my words would lose their meaning.

After the the sobs had lessened, they released each other and stood up. Jack walked over and shut the door before picking up Mark's bag. He felt the weight of many sleepless nights pull at him but fought them off as he made his way over to the couch, Mark following him like a lost puppy. They both sat, facing each other in an awkward silence. Jack didn't know where to start and by the look on Mark's face, he didn't either. The silence stretched for a few minutes as they put themselves back together.

"Jack.." Mark's voice was hoarse. Jack listened as he cleared his throat before starting again. "Jack, talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" Jack whispered. He felt vulnerable. He felt guilty. Jack had burdened him, the one thng he'd been trying to avoid and he'd fucked it up, Mark was all the way in Ireland because Jack couldn't keep his mouth shut and he scratched his fucking shoulder. He'd just thrown everything on his plate at Mark. He had no right to feel bad for himself, Mark was the one hurting. 

Mark's warm hand rested ontop of his clasped hands and he looked up, catching Mark's gaze. It was filled with exhaustion and sorrow. Jack felt like he'd been punched in the gut. 

"Jesus, what have I done.." Jack hadn't meant to say that outloud. He really hadn't. He wanted as Mark's eyes softened but his brows furrowed. He could see the moment Mark's mind clicked his words into place.

"Jack, I'm here because I want to be. I care about you, honest and truly. You mean a lot to me and I don't want to lose you. I was afraid I was going to and I'm so relieved to see you alive. Don't beat yourself over me being here. I _want_ to be here with you." Mark's voice was reassuring and Jack felt tears well in his eyes once more.

"I just didn't want ta burden ya. You've got so much on yer plate already. You've got a life too. Between YouTube and yer own personal stuff, I didn't want ta add to that." Jack whispered, lump forming in his throat once more. 

"You're not a burden Jack. You're not burdening me either. I'm happy to be here for you. I'm happy to help you. I want to be there for you and help you. I want to." Mark tried to push his message past Jack's thoughts and it seemed to work a little.

"I'm sorry Mark.." Jack whispered, the first few tears rolling down his cheeks.

"It's okay Jack, you're alive and that's all that matters right now." Mark whispered back, squeezing Jack's slightly warm hands. Jack tried to chose his next few words carefully while also preparing himself for any sort of reaction he can.

"I wasn't going ta be.." Jack whispered the words under his breath, hoping Mark wouldn't hear them but a little part of him wanted Mark to. That part got it's wish. Mark was gripping Jack's clasped hands now. His other hand running through his hair as he stared, wide eyes unseeing at Jack's belly. When his eyes unglazed, he stared at Jack's eyes, searching as tears welled in his own.

"Jack.." Mark breathed as if it pained him.

"Wha.." A loud gulp flooded Jack's ears as he watched Mark's adams apple bob.

"What.. do you mean..?" Mark sounded scared. Jack wished he could rewind time and take back his words. Wish he could rewind back to before the first call. He should have tried to pretend better. He should've kept the charade up. Closing his eyes, a sigh escaped his lips.

"The kitchen counter.." Was Jack's reply. Mark stood, pulling Jack's hands apart and pulling Jack behind him as he walked aimlessly before finding the kitchen. Jack stared at the floor as Mark looked over the papers that sat on the counter next to the knife. He had started writing the names on the pages before starting on Mark's letter first. He could heard Mark's breath hitch several times along with some gasps. Jack could see Mark's clenched fist at his side. Jack wondered if Mark would hit him. He was probably angry with Jack for trying to give up. He saw Mark spin around once more and Jack faced him. He was pulled into a crushing hug as Mark sobbed into his shoulder. Jack's eyes softened as he watched Mark's shoulders shake. He pulled his arms up to wrap them around his friend's torso as best as he could. Jack laid cheek against Mark's hair.

"Sssh.. Mark, it's okay. I'm alive.. remember. I'm here." Jack whispered, trying to comfort the other man as he rubbed Mark's back. Mark only hugged him tighter in response. The weight of exhaustion drowned out all other feelings while his mind's sirens went off, blaring for him to comfort Mark.

"I'm sorry Jack.. fuck, I'm so sorry. I should've known. I wish I could have helped you sooner. Fuck, Jack- I'm so sorry. But- but I'm here now. I'll protect you. I swear I will. I'll keep you safe. I'll do everything I can to keep you safe Jack.." Mark hiccuped into his shoulder, fingers grasping the back of Jack's shirt while he hands applied a pressure, as if trying to keep Jack in place. As if he was afraid if he let go, Jack would disappear. Jack almost had.

Once Mark had calmed down once again. He'd released Jack one more, before grabbing his hand. Jack watched as Mark put the knife away and crumbled the letters into a ball, all except one. He watched as Mark wrote the date and time on the page, before pocketing it. Jack could only guess that it was the letter addressed to him but he wasn't sure why Mark had pocketed it. Mark began to look around the cupboards before grasping tea. Jack rose an eyebrow but didn't question it, instead he offered small bits of information on where things were and how his stove-top worked while Mark remained silent.

"What do you put in it.." Mark was monotone.

"Two sugars." Jack sighed. Clinking filled the empty kitchen, as Mark stirred the sugar in. He grabbed the mug before leading them back into the living room and sitting them down. Jack stared into his tea, sighing occasionally as he felt Mark stare at him expectantly. He shifted his gaze towards the ceiling, going to clasp his hands together but Mark didn't let go of his hand. He watched as Mark switched hands, entwining their fingers. Jack felt a tiny itty bitty part of him want to make a joke about it but he squashed it like a bug. There was nothing he could do to fix the heavy atmosphere that sat on their shoulders. Instead he sighed, staring at the ceiling again before closing his eyes.

The words tumbled from his lips after a defeated sigh. He told Mark about his doubts, worries and insecurities. Told him about the nightmares that plagued him. Told him how he'd listen to Mark's videos and how Nightmare Mark became so loud. He told him about the voice of depression in his head and the things it said. Mark remained quiet through it all. Jack then sighed loudly, opening his eyes and rolling his head to gaze into Mark's eyes. Silent tears were flowing down Mark's cheeks and still he remained quiet, no sound to even give away that he was crying. Jack let another heavy sigh, this time through his nose as he worded his next words carefully.

"It.. convinced me ta do things. It convinced me ta 'urt myself. It told me t'at if I did, I'd feel better, ya know? And I.. I wanted ta feel better. I wanted ta let the bad out. An'.." Jack sighed once more, his free hand, holding his face.

"An' at first, it helped. I felt so much better. An' then it got out of control. I kept trying ta stop but I couldn't. There was just so much.. bad in my body. I jus' felt bad all the time and no matter what I did, no matter how many or how deep, nothing changed. I'd go until I was too tired ta continue. I'd treat 'em an' then go ta sleep where the nightmares would plague me again." Jack's voice wavered. He ran his hand through his hair, staring at his lap, imagining the lines that lay beneath his jeans.

"I was trapped.. t'ere was no way out. It.. it wouldn't stop when I was alone. Talking ta you was the only thing that helped. I felt safe talking to you. I felt cared about." Jack shifted his gaze. He could tell Mark was waiting for the 'but'.

"But then ya found out. An' I got scared. My mind went rampant, conjuring up how much ya hated me. How ye were disgusted with me an' never wanted to see or hear from me again. I didn't want ta lose you. So.. I was going to leave before you could leave me." Jack had shut his eyes tight.

"I don't hate you Jack.. God, I could never hate you." Mark croaked, tightening his grasp on Jack's hand. Jack tightened his grip back, knuckles white. Silence sat between them for several minutes allowing themselves to process the conversation that had just taken place.

"Can.. Can I see them..?" Mark whispered under his breath, fear tinging every letter.

"I'll show ya tomorrow. Tonight was.. a lot ta handle. I 'aven't slept since ye found out and I'm sure yer jet-lagged. Let's get some sleep.." Jack mumbled, standing as he tried to pull his hand away. Mark didn't let him.

"I'm not leaving you alone, Jack." Mark's voice left no room for arguement and Jack didn't find it in himself to protest. He simply nodded and lead them to his room where Mark shucked off his shoes before dropping his bag beside them. Jack would be laughing about how he was getting Mark into bed with him if the situation wasn't so somber. Their hands disconnected as the two laid down, fully clothed as they pulled the blankets over themselves. They were too drained to bother changing. Jack felt Mark's hand on his shoulder before they both drifted into much needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments and such if you want to. It's nice to hear from you all and see what you think about my work. I hope you all have a lovely wonderful day.


	9. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For whatever reason, I woke up this morning with the urge to write. I had attempted to last night and got a bit of this chapter done but I couldn't finish it. I was just.. not okay. I'm not going to get into it but a lot of stuff happened between the last update and this one. I'm working on it.
> 
> And I'm sorry this took so long. Apparently it's been 12 days. I feel really bad because I feel like this chapter was not worth that amount of wait. But, nonetheless, it's done.
> 
> I hope you guys like it.

The movement was supposed to be soothing, so why wasn't it? It wasn't unraveling the knots in his belly and it sure as fuck wasn't slowing down his racing mind. But Jack kept repeating the movement anyway. It gave him something to do while he laid in bed besides count the time as he had been doing for the past twenty-three minutes and forty-seven seconds. It's not like he could get out of bed anyway. Mark was making sure of that. What with his arm draped across Jack's chest and his fingers gripping Jack's shirt. Or his face that was tucked into Jack's neck. Or his leg that was wrapped around Jack's own. If Mark was anymore to Jack's right, Mark would be directly on top of him.

Heat swarmed Jack's cheeks at the thought, his hand freezing from it's place in his hair. Now was not the time to be thinking that. Even if it made his stomach swoop, now was not the time to pop an erection with his best friend laying on him, even if Jack could feel Mark's on his thigh..

_Wait.. What._

_Okay so, Mark had morning wood, so what. All guys do. It's a normal thing. It happens. Stop focusing on it. Think about the talk yer supposed ta have where you show Mark yer... scars._ Jack's mood immediately dropped, stomach twisting more at the thought. He kind of wished he could go back to that flustered state he was in a few moments ago. _That'd be nice._

Jack closes his eyes, fingers now gripping his hair, tugging at the strands. _Now would be a great time ta stop existing. Now would be the perfect time ta just not exist._ Jack's chest expanded as he took a deep breath before letting out a heavy sigh. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to show Mark his scars.. but in a way, he needed to. He's not sure why but something in his head is telling him he needs to.

 

When Jack wakes up again, it's to the feeling of Mark against his back. _Oh fuck. Now we're spoonin. Goddamnit._ Jack manages to wriggle out of Mark's grasp, almost falling on the floor. Apparently he was closer to the edge than he'd thought. When he manages to steady himself, he looks back at Mark, who appears to be sleeping soundly. Jack doesn't try to hide the soft smile on his face before he heads to take a much needed shower. 

 

Despite taking a long shower, getting dressed in comfy clothes, and having a warm cup of coffee in his hands, he didn't feel any better. He wasn't sure if it was because he was sitting in silence where his thoughts could fester or because Mark's snores were constantly reminding him that this was all real. It didn't matter which it was because he didn't get to think about it any further. Mark's snores had stopped and immediately shuffling followed.

"Jack? Jack?!" Mark's voice was loud, full of panic. The thump that followed made Jack quickly put his mug down and usher over to his bedroom door, almost tripping over himself as he stumbled. Apparently sitting with his knees drawn up for so long was not a good idea. He was halfway to the door when it swung open, revealing a very disheveled Mark who quickly turned his head towards Jack who had stopped in his tracks. Mark's entire body relaxed as a long sigh of relief fell out of his lips.

"There you are." Mark's voice was soft, a small smile playing on his lips as he looked at Jack.

"Ar' you okay? There was a thump." Jack gestured towards the door. Mark nodded.

"Yeah.. I'm okay now. I just got tangled in the covers and fell off the bed like a doof." Mark chuckled, walking towards Jack. 

"If ya want ta take a shower, the bathroom's over there." Jack nodded his head in the direction of the door, although he's pretty sure Mark dragged him in there when he was trying to find the kitchen last night. 

"Yeah.. yeah that'd be nice." Mark trudged into the bathroom with one last glance at Jack.

 

It was after Mark had gotten a cup in his hands when Jack decided now was a good time. He didn't want either of them to eat, just incase Mark threw up at the sight of him because he was pretty sure he was going to throw up at the sight of himself.

"I.. I guess this is happening.." Jack mumbled, staring into his coffee as if it would somehow suck him into it. He rubbed his thumb up and down the mug, trying to soothe himself but of course, it didn't work. His stomach was in painful knots and he was sure he was going to throw up right then and there before it even started.

"One step at a time Jack, there's no rush. We can wait if you're not comfortable." Mark reassured, resting a hand on Jack's shoulder.

"No.. no.. it's, it's okay. I.. I need ta do this. Don't ask me why, I just needta." Jack sighed, swallowing once more before taking a sip of his now cold coffee. It tasted awful, just like how he felt. He stood, facing Mark while his breathing wavered and his body shook. He was stuck between getting it over with and taking it one step at a time. He decided to take the middle ground. With one last glance at Mark, he hooked his fingers under his hoodie and pulled it off, looking off to the side. His body shook harder, while chills ran across his skin. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mark move. 

"C.. Can I?" Mark said, taking hesitant steps towards Jack, while gesturing to his arms. Jack closed his eyes, nodding slowly. His tongue felt heavy but he managed a weak 'Yeah'. Mark took Jack's hands in his own, holding them as if they were made of glass before slowly turning them over. He heard Mark gasp.

"Oh Jack.." Mark whispered sadly. Jack felt him let go of one hand before felt Mark run his fingers up and down Jack's right arm, delicately going over the many lines. Jack knew what he was looking at. Jack's right forearm was covered in shaky lines, although it was nothing compared to his left. Jack let out stuttered breath as Mark trailed his fingers across Jack's torso, tracing the lines that lay near his collar bones and on his pecs before following the large thin lines across his belly. Jack found himself get a tiny bit mad thinking about those lines. They weren't deep enough because he wasn't thin enough. That small bit of fat he had wouldn't let the lines be as solid or deep as he wanted them to be. 

"Jack.." Mark's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, he opened his eyes and felt his hands relax. He hadn't even known he'd done either of those things.

"What are you thinking..?" Mark whispered it like a secret, fingers frozen on Jack's stomach.

"Nothing." Jack sighed, still refusing to look Mark in the eye. 

"Jack." The tone of Mark's voice told him that he didn't believe him. 

"I was.. I was thinkin' 'bout 'ow the lines arn't deep enough. 'Ow the bit of fat I have wouldn't let 'em be." Jack said defeated. He saw Mark frown out of the corner of his eye, before he felt Mark's hand resume tracing the lines. Jack found it weird how intimate this all was. Here he was, baring half of his scars to his best friend, and crush, while said crush laid feather light touches across them. In that moment Jack wondered if Mark was pitying him or if he had feelings for him. He didn't voice either thought, afraid to break the moment. 

It was when Mark's hand went to travel down his left arm that he hissed. The ones on his shoulder were more recent, from the day Mark had saw them and they were a bit angry since Jack had scratched the scabs off them in the shower. Mark pulled his hand away, hovering it in the air right above them, before turning his head to look at Jack.

"It's, it's fine. They're from the day ya saw 'em." Jack said, finally turning his head to look at Mark. His eyes were puffy again, red rimmed, but Jack wasn't sure if he'd already cried or had no more tears left. Mark just nodded, skipping over them before trailing his fingers down Jack's arm. Jack watched as Mark avoided turning his arm over, tracing the straight lines that were scattered across the top. He remembers making those ones. He'd gone a few days without cutting and then everything fell on top of him and he used the knife to tear his arm apart. Jack wasn't sure why, but he wanted to tell Mark.

"The ones yer tracing, they're from a week or so ago. The same night as the ones on my right arm, along wit some on my belly, thighs an a few on the bot'um of ma forearm. I.. I was not doin' well. A lotta shit piled up an'.. an' I 'ad stopped fer a while. But it all caught up wit me. It was a mess." Jack murmured, staring at his arm before looking up at Mark's face. His eyes were shut but tears fell fast down his cheeks. Jack listened as his sniffles replaced the silence of the house. Jack figured he'd be crying too if he hadn't shut himself down. 

"I'm.. I'm so sorry I wasn't there Jack." Choked sobs filled the house. Mark opened his eyes, staring directly into Jack's.

"But-but I promise I will be. From now on I will be. I'm not letting you live alone. I don't care if I haveta live here, or if you live with me in L.A, I can't let you live alone Jack." Mark sobbed, shoulders shaking as he kept Jack's gaze.

"Okay." Was all Jack managed to say. There was nothing to argue. Yes, his family was in Ireland but in a way, he needed this. He needed to get out of his lonely apartment that reminded him of all these bad memories. He needed to be with someone who cared about him and would keep him safe. Mark nodded, biting his bottom lip before turning his gaze back to Jack's left arm. This time he turned it over, staring at the large mass of lines. Only two spots didn't have any and that was his inner elbow and the small space under his wrist. When Mark had finished tracing the lines, he dropped Jack's arm, his own at his sides. Jack watched his mouth open, ready to speak.

"There's more." Jack interrupted, motioning for Mark to sit down. Mark did so, mouth closed, hands clasped together between his knees. Jack looked at his sweatshirt for a brief moment, reaching down and grabbing it before placing it on the table. He moved the mugs over and shucked off his pj pants, before sitting on the table directly in front of Mark. Jack felt the heat rise to his cheeks as he pushed up his boxers to expose all the lines for the other man to see. He held his hands there, looking off to the side once more as he felt Mark inspect them. Thankfully, he didn't touch them. Jack was pretty sure he could not handle that, even with how somber the situation was. After several minutes, Jack removed his hands from his boxers, pulling them back down before standing to dress. He saw Mark watch him as he slipped his clothes back on and returned to his position on the table in front of Mark. The two sat in silence for several moments before Mark spoke up.

"Did you mean it when you said you were okay with me living here or you coming to L.A with me?" Mark looked up from his hands, searching Jack's face.

"Yeah. I do. I think I needta.. just.. get away from 'ere. From this apartment. It's got a lotta bad memories. I think livin' wit'cha would be a good idea." Jack nodded, casting a glance around his apartment. It was familiar, but it wasn't home. His home, his safe place, was sitting right in front of him.

"Are you sure? You don't need to do anything or get anything, before you pack up and come to live with me?" Mark questioned, rubbing his eyes before running his hands through his hair.

"I'm sure. I want'ta tell my family where I'm goin' and I need ta change a few things but other then that, I'm ready." Jack's smile was soft, sadness hanging off the edges of his lips. 

"Okay. Let's do that then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry that you waited so long for.. _this_. I hope you guys found something to like about it and hopefully I will do better with the next chapter.
> 
> Have a wonderful day.


	10. Failed Attempts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That didn't come as easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken a long time to update. I'm supposed to be taking a break still but I felt like writing and part of me feels like this chapter is awful but it also gave me an idea for the next one. So.. I don't know? 
> 
> This chapter is also kind of unnecessary? I'll see what you guys have to say and decide what to do.

Jack had qued up videos somewhere around the time Mark had saw his scars. He was planning to release them as normal to give his friends and family time to grieve his death before the Community found out. Turns out, they're now being used to give him time to adjust to living with Mark. And allow him to accept he was alive.

That didn't come as easy.

Jack can't exactly pinpoint the first time. It was probably somewhere around the time Mark started to sleep in his own room again. Jack had begun to just sit there on the floor, his back against the wall where Mark's light snoring could be heard. He'd stare down at his broken body, either sprinting to the bathroom as his stomach lurched, or attempting to silence his sobs in a pillow. Needless to say, he'd gotten pretty good at silently making his way to the bathroom in time to empty his stomach. He wasn't as good at being silent with his sobs.

Jack would hear Mark get up, dragging his feet across the wooden floors as he walked to Jack's door. The pressure of the pillow would disappear from Jack's face and his watery sight would be replaced with a groggy Mark who had forgotten his glasses once again, hair a mess. He'd always squat in front of Jack and attempt to hide a yawn. Jack always saw it.

Jack hates to admit it, but Mark had caught him a few more times. Mark would randomly stop him and ask him take off his clothes. No amount of flirtacious jokes could diffuse the serious look on Mark's face and Jack would comply with a sigh. He'd listen to Mark breathe as the other man looked over his wounds and close his eyes when Mark would gasp at the new additions to his body's collection. That didn't last very long. Jack couldn't stand seeing Mark's heartbroken face anymore and he stopped cutting all together, which was easy when Mark removed every knife and razor from the house and put them in a locked box only he had the key too. That's not to say Jack didn't try to find it, he just never managed to.

He also hates to recall the times Mark stopped him. Sure, Jack had finally returned to recording and Mark had been happy. But Jack often recorded extra footage and when Mark questioned it, Jack would shrug and tell him it was for if he wasn't feeling up for recording. Jack had a feeling Mark knew what he was doing. Especially when Mark caught him the first time.

Jack wasn't planning to kill himself in Mark's home, despite it now being his own home. No, he'd silently pack his suitcase, take anything that may be connected to him and attempt to leave. Mark had come out of his recording room, complaining loudly about being hungry before stopping mid-sentence. Jack remembers looking over his shoulder to see Mark frozen still. He remembers panicking and dropping the heavy suitcase in an attempt to run faster. The few seconds that felt like hours until he heard the heavy footsteps behind him follow him down the street. The weight being pushed into his back as he tumbled to the pavement. How Mark brought him back to the house, more concerned about Jack's scraped palms then the glass stuck in his own bare foot. 

Jack remembers the next time, months later where he'd managed to almost make it to the bridge, having forgone the luggage that gave him away last time. A car door slamming, the feeling of falling backwards, into Mark's chest. The struggling and sobbing while fast soft words were said to comfort him and reassure him. Mark started sleeping in the same bed again permanently after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a lovely day.


	11. A little too loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make me." _Oh, I'll make you alright._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I actually wrote Jack's after Mark's this time. Oops. Also, thank you to the lovely Sashasanidea and Liebisadick for giving me a bit of encouragement and motivation for this chapter. 
> 
> I know the last chapter was heavy. I had actually planned to scrap them and replace them with this chapter, but the two people mentioned above made me think otherwise, so you guys get two chapters in the span of 24(?) hours.
> 
> I also want to thank everyone for sticking with me through all this and my inconsistent updates. I wish I could promise a steady schedule but unfortunately my life is unpredictable lately. 
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter. I wasn't entirely sure how to go about this but.. /throws glitter into the air. Here it is.

A soft warm embrace gently nudged Jack from his sleep. Barely conscious, he registered Mark snuggling into his back. A soft smile tugged at his lips as he closed his eyes, ready to fall back asleep before he felt Mark's hips against his ass. Well, more like Mark's dick. Jack couldn't stop the soft moan that slipped from his lips or the next one when he felt Mark's dick twitch against him. Jack's hips were moving on their own, grinding his ass against Mark because god, did it feel good.

Jack woke up pressed against Mark's chest once again. When he managed to convince himself to remove himself from Mark's warmth. Jack stood, stretching his limbs before turning back to look at Mark. _Why is he so close to the wall?_ When Jack stretched his back, he saw the dark stain on his boxers. _Did I push him back into the wall?_ Jack looked back over to Mark. _Oh fuck._ He's really hoping Mark doesn't remember any of that. Jack rubs his hands across his face, trying to will away his blush.

 

 _Goddamnit Jack. S'top that. Do ya want 'im ta know you 'ave a huge crush on 'im? 'Cause yer making it pretty fuckin' obvious so far. Seriously, stop grinding yer ass against his dick._ Jack's fingers tangle themselves in his hair, as he stares down at his boxers. _I don't give a fuck how amazing it feels, keep yer ass to yerself._ Jack scolds himself, turning around and grabbing his discarded shirt. He decides he needs a fucking shower because at this rate, he's going to pop another boner thinking about Mark's sexy body.

Goddamnit, he just did.

Jack closes the bathroom door behind him before stripping himself of his clothes. _Goddamn Mark and his tan skin. And his soft looking hair that Jack just wants to run his fingers through. His melted chocolate eyes that drag him in. His thin, soft lips that Jack images against his own._ He briefly wonders what Mark's stubble would feel like against his skin. Against his jaw before Mark would trail lower. Jack almost stumbles as he steps into the shower, placing his towels on back on the toilet. He's throbbing with need and want as he turns the water on.

Jack stands under the water for a little while, before roaming his hands across his skin. His eyes shut as he imagines Mark's hands. _They're much bigger than his, stronger. Rougher yet soft._ He's moaning and panting out curses at the feeling. Tracing his hands across his arms reminds him of how Mark traced his scars and does the same. Feather light touches as he moves from his arm to his torso. Instead of stopping at his belly, he trails his fingers down further. He skims around his aching dick, trailing his fingers across his thighs teasingly.

"M..Mmmaaarr-k..." Jack moans, head leaning against the wall as he pants. He finally wraps his hand around his dick, stroking it at a quick pace. 

"F-fucck.. Maaark.. So good.." Jack bites on his hand after the words tumble from his lips, sending more pleasure across his body. His pace quickens and soon he's cumming hard.

 

Okay, Maybe Jack was being paranoid. Mark's been spacing out for the past few days and Jack's body lightly shakes at the thought of Mark having heard him. There's a possibility that Mark's got other things on his mind, but Jack's not really listening to that thought.

"Mark." Jack shouts, trying to hide the waver in his voice with the loudness. He watches as Mark jumps out of his skin, before his head snaps towards him. Jack's glad his hand is on his hip because he's not sure he'd be able to hide the trembling.

"Fer the love of fuck, why do ya keep spacin' out like t'at?" Jack strides over, before sitting down and presses his hand against the other man's forehead. He's not sick but he doesn't seem to notice how shaky Jack is.

"You don't got'a fever. What's up laddie?" He tilts his head, attempting to read Mark a little better. It doesn't help.

"I.. uh.. Jack, we have to.. er.. need to.." Mark begins and Jack can feel his heart stop. 

"We need to talk, Jack." Jack's pretty sure he's stopped breathing too. Nothing good ever comes from that sentence.

"About what?" He wraps his arms around his torso, sitting cross-legged now. Jack can feel his entire body trembling. _This is bad. Thisisbadthisisbadthisisbad._

"About us.." Jack makes a choked noise as his heat floods to his cheeks. He raises an eyebrow in question.

"Jack.. um.., how do I put this?" Jack watched as Mark scratched the back of his neck.

"So, a few days ago I went by the shower and I heard you jerking off and moaning my name and then I've been waking up from 'wet dreams' but I'm pretty sure I remember us spooning and grinding against each other and well, I wanted to address that because I kind of liked it? but I'm not sure you do, despite everything and I've liked you for a long while, even before I went over to Ireland and I-" Mark rambled, taking a big breath. Jack felt all color drain from his face. _Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck._

"You-you, heard that..?" Jack breathed out, blinking owlishly while he silently hopes he'll just disappear.

"Y-yeah and I.. uh.. I really liked it. It um.. it turned me on?" Mark was quiet, sounding uncertain the more he spoke. _I'm sorry, what?_ Jack suddenly felt on fire. 

"An'.. an' you like me?" Jack whispered in disbelief, watching Mark nod in return. Jesus fuck. What.

"Fuck.." Tumbled from his lips as he ran a hand through his hair. His throat felt incredibly dry.

"Yeah.." He heard Mark agree. 

"Should we just..?" Jack motioned between the two of them, still trying to grasp the situation.

"Y-yeah? Only if you want to Jack." He watched Mark gulp as his brain caught up with everything. _This was still Mark._

"What're we, twelve?" A chuckle fell from his lips which formed into a small smile. Mark was apparently taken back by that.

"What? No. I'm an adult who does adult things like.." Mark looked up towards the ceiling. _Yeah, it's still Mark. The fucking doofus._

"You play video games fer a livin an' wear spongebob pajama pants." Jack laughed.

"W-well you sleep with a stuffed animal!" Mark pointed out, flustered.

"Sam is not a stuffed animal! He's a boss, ya stoop!" Jack's surprised he managed to get those words out where they made sense. Mark's smile only grew at his fumbling and he even had the nerve to raise an eyebrow.

"Shaddup." Jack stuck out his bottom lip, arms crossed over his chest as he pouted.

"Make me." Jack heard the challenge in his words, a smirk appearing on his face. _Oh, I'll make you alright._ Jack uncurled himself and lept forward, pressing his weight against Mark's which made him tumble backwards. Jack was hovering over Mark for a brief second before he connected their lips. 

He's pretty sure he died and went to heaven in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys have a wonderful day. And I hope this makes up a bit for breaking your hearts in the last chapter. If not, here's a bunny.  
> (\\(\  
> ( . .)  
> c('')('') <3


	12. Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did he wait so long to do this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I am a horrible human being. It's been 21 days. Have I been counting? Absolutely. I am SO SORRY it took this long. Between Thanksgiving and my own personal mess, I've just been trying to hang on.
> 
> I don't think this is really worth the long wait and I'm sure lots of you have absolutely forgotten about this, which I wouldn't blame you at all. But.. here it is? It's also totally NSFW, so.. that's a bonus? /awkward thumbs up. Also, should I just post this version on Mark's Pov story, cause I mean, basically page 2-5 is NSFW.. 

Living with Mark had changed a lot since their kiss. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. They'd share kisses throughout the day and cuddle up on the couch watching shitty tv shows and cartoons, with the occasional movie. But through all the bliss, Jack felt fear. And he's not exactly sure what he's afraid of.

Despite the fear, Jack let himself get swept away in all things Mark. The soft kisses, gentle touches and loved filled words. The way Mark swayed as he cooked, or how he sang in the car. The way he held a pen or adjusted his glasses. Jack soaked up everything he could.

But that didn't mean it was always fine and dandy. 

Jack still struggled with his depression and still felt the itch under his skin. Mark would sometimes have to pry Jack's short nails from his palms or the paths he was raking down his arms. And each time Mark did, he'd press kisses to whatever damage Jack had done, before kissing his knuckles, and then his lips. Jack would always wonder how he'd gotten so lucky.

 

Minus all the silly chaos, their lives had become pretty domestic. They'd take turns cooking and occasionally would cook together, which always lead to a mess. Dirty clothes, messy hair and loud laughter before realizing they had to clean their kitchen, again. Movies, video games, the occasional book and strange dance-offs in the living room. They even went on dates.

The only thing Jack wished hadn't changed, was how comfortable he'd once felt undressing in front of Mark. Sure, the other man had seen all his scars and there were no new ones for months. And Mark now trusted him enough, not to ask to see. But whenever things got hot and steamy, or whenever Mark suggested taking a shower together, Jack would remember his scars. How he looked in the closet mirror in his old home and the look on Mark's face when he traced them for the first time.

Jack was afraid that Mark would be reminded of how damaged Jack really was and leave. So Jack would often find ways out of undressing in front of Mark, whether it was changing into pajamas or swimming in the pool.

 

Jack decides one day, that his brain is being ridiculous. He doesn't remember the exact thought that leads him to this decision. It might've been something Mark had said, or something in a game, he's not entirely sure but whatever it is, he's glad it happened.

And when he takes a shower, he looks down at his pale flesh, taking note of his scars. Some are white and basically blend with his skin, while some are darker and stick out like a sore thumb. He takes a few shaky breaths before he starts tracing them. Mark's loving words now softly glide out of his own lips in quiet breaths, that soothe the ache under his skin and the rapid beating of his heart.

He can do this.

 

Jack's biting his lip as they cuddle on the couch. Dinner was two hours ago and he's been trying to work up the nerve to ask Mark if they can move into the bedroom without giving away his intentions. He wants it to happen as it normally would and this time when Mark looks at him with questioning eyes and a hand on the hem of Jack's shirt, he wants to answer yes.

He spends several moments thinking about that and what would come afterwards. Jack shifts several times before realizing that the couch is no longer going to be comfortable. He stands and grabs Mark's hand, gently tugging it.

"Maarrkk.. the couch isn't comfy anymore. Let's go lay down on ta bed." Jack suggests, lightly tugging again to which Mark rolls his eyes but stands.

"Alright, you baby." Mark chuckles, allowing Jack to lead them to their room.

The two settle down, Jack tucked into Mark's side again as they watch tv. Jack's not paying attention to what's playing. He's focusing on Mark's body. The warmth it radiates, his relaxed breaths and beating heart. 

Jack places his hand on Mark's stomach, rubbing his thumb up and down as he feels the muscles under his palm and fingertips. It's only when he snakes his hand to Mark's right side, that Mark looks down at him. Jack doesn't look up, his hand rubbing up and down Mark's ribs, feeling the muscle and bones beneath his shirt.

"Jack.." There's an underlying huskiness to Mark's voice that makes Jack smile.

"Hmm?" Jack hums in response, still pretending to watch tv. He feels Mark sit up a little, which causes him to whine before Mark cups his jaw, tilting Jack's head up. When their eyes meet, Jack quickly inhales. Mark's eyes are molten chocolate, soft yet alluring. His lips are tugged to one side which makes Jack bite his own. He scooches himself upwards, their noses almost touching. Jack's hand glides from it's position at Mark's side, up Mark's belly and onto his chest.

"Hmmm?" Jack hums again before Mark trails his hand to the underside of Jack's chin and tilts his head up more. Jack feels Mark breathe once against his lips, watches as Mark's eyes flit downwards to their almost touching lips, before meeting Jack's gaze again.

When their lips connect, Jack feels warmth flow through his veins. He moves his lips against Mark's, eyes fluttering shut at the sensation. The two sit themselves up, not once disconnecting their locked lips. 

When they part, Mark turns himself towards him, before surging back in for another kiss. A large hand rests on Jack's hip, squeezing lightly which makes Jack let out a moan. He feels Mark's tongue trace his lips before delving to dance with his own.

Mark's hand is running up and down his side, over his shirt. Jack breaks their kiss, opening his eyes to look at Mark, whose cheeks are flushed with kiss-swollen lips. Jack listens to their pants for a moment before he sits up, watching Mark watch him. He raises his arms and hooks the back of his collar on his fingertips before pulling the garment over his head. 

After Jack threw his shirt onto the floor, he turned to face Mark, who sucked in a breath, holding it for several seconds.

"Oh god Jack.." Mark groaned out, releasing the breath.

"You're so fucking beautiful, so goddamn sexy.." Mark rumbled, fingertips inches from Jack's side. Jack's body was on fire at Mark's words.

"God.. I just want to touch you.." Mark growled, looking from Jack's torso up to his eyes. Jack gulped at the lust that burned in them. Why did he wait so long to do this?

"So touch me.." Jack whispered, inching closer so Mark's fingertips brushed his skin. "I want'cha ta touch me Mark.. You make me feel so good.." Jack whispered, inching his face closer to Mark's as he spoke. 

A smile tugged at his lips as a moan rumbled in Mark's chest. The older man swiftly removed his shirt before grabbing the back of Jack's neck and slamming their lips together. Jack fell back against the bed as Mark pressed their torsos together. Mark's chest was pressed against his own as the older man hovered over him. His knees were against Jack's hips, while one arm rested beside Jack's head to hold him up. Jack felt his other hand trailing up and down his side, sending waves of arousal through his body. Jack reached up and tangled his fingers in Mark's hair, tugging at the locks which had Mark moaning against Jack’s lips.

Mark pulled back, which caused Jack to whine and untangle his fingers from Mark’s hair. The deep chuckle that tumbled from Mark’s lips made Jack’s insides squirm. Jack’s eyes shut as Mark began leaving kisses across his jaw, occasionally sucking or nipping at the flesh as he made his way down Jack’s neck.

“Maarrrkk.. fuck..” Jack moaned, back arching as Mark bit hard against his shoulder. The growl he got in response was definitely worth it. Jack began rolling his hips up against Mark, who was grinding his hips downwards against Jack’s own.

“You’re so fucking sexy Jack..” Mark growled, beginning to work his way down Jack’s chest. Jack whined at the loss of contact, but that didn’t last long before Mark reached down and began to rub at Jack’s dick.

“The noises you’re making are driving me crazy..” Mark growled.

“Maaaarrrkk.. please..” Jack whimpered, reaching down towards his pants to unbuckle them. He wanted to feel Mark’s hands against him. When Jack began undoing his belt buckle, Mark lightly slapped his hand and began undoing it himself. The two stared at each other, panting, as Mark teasingly pulled Jack’s belt through the loops before unzipping his jeans.

Once Jack’s jeans were removed, Mark runs his hands up Jack’s hips before palming the tent in his boxers, which causes Jack’s back to arch. His toes are curling and his chest is heaving as Mark leaves kisses across his torso.

“You’re beautiful. So sexy. And the noises you’re making..” Mark says in between kisses, before looking up into Jack’s eyes. “God, the things you do to me Jack..”

When Mark leans up to press their lips together, Jack takes the opportunity to flip them over. Mark’s on his back now, while Jack kneels over him, trying to unbuckle his belt with shaky hands. The pants soon get shimmied off and Jack straddles Mark’s hips, placing himself directly on top of Mark’s dick. And god does it feel wonderful.

They grind against each other for a few moments while Jack explores Mark’s body with eager hands as they hungrily kiss. Jack pulls back, looking into Mark’s eyes.

“Mark.. I-I want’ta feel ya inside of me..” Jack murmurs, slightly embarrassed by the words he’s just spoken but it doesn’t last long when he feels Mark’s dick twitch against his ass.

“Are you sure, Jack?” Mark rumbles.

“Yeah..” Jack breathes out, a soft smile forming on his lips.

“Okay..” Mark smiles back, before leaning up to kiss Jack. When the kiss ends, Jack moves himself off of Mark who gets up and grabs a condom and some lube. Both of their boxers are removed and they take a moment to look over each other.

“God.. yer so fuckin’ sexy Mark..” Jack rumbles.

“Not as sexy as you are.” Mark chuckles. “Ready?”

“Yeah..” Jack exhales, before groaning as Mark begins to prep him. Mark’s gentle as he works Jack open, constantly asking if the other man is okay while he watches Jack’s face. The more he works Jack opens, the louder Jack becomes. Moans flooding the room as Jack loses himself in the pleasure and when Mark finally retracts his fingers, Jack whines.

There’s a moment of heavy breathing as they both make sure the other is ready, before Mark slowly slides himself in, watching Jack’s face the entire time. Several seconds pass before Jack begins rolling his hips down against Mark.

“Maaarrkk.. please..” Jack whimpers and it doesn’t take Mark long to comply. Mark sets a slow pace at first before delving into a fast rough pace. Swears are being thrown through the air, followed by praise and dirty talk as the two get closer and closer to the edge.

“Mark.. oh fuck.. Mark!” Jack moans, digging his nails into Mark’s shoulders.

“Jack.. fuck..” Mark moans back.

It doesn’t take long for the two to topple over the edge with loud shouts of the other’s name falling from their lips.

After they’ve cleaned up, the two settle in bed. Jack lays his head on Mark’s chest, tucking himself into the man’s side while Mark cards his fingers through Jack’s hair.

“I love you.” Mark whispers, pressing a kiss to Jack’s forehead.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a wonderful day!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I'm going to catch you when you fall.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5073220) by [Roosterbytes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roosterbytes/pseuds/Roosterbytes)




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